Sniff Sniff

Can you smell that? Wedding season. I have been to more weddings this summer alone than every wedding I've been to in my entire life combined. Everyone is getting hitched or engaged. Even the people I thought never had a shot at finding someone to marry, they are getting married. Kinda depressing really, being like 1 of the 4 single people in my entire graduating class. Oh well.

I went to a bachelorette party last weekend. Out of 13 girls I was the only one not married. Which I can't complain, I never intended on getting married anyway. The weird part is, the married women are the ones who are up grinding on 21 year olds and letting rich 50 year old men buy their drinks and cuddle up on them. How is it that I am the single one and I am the one sitting by myself at the table acting like I'm married. There isn't a ring on my finger and probably won't be for a good while, if at all.

I decided today I need to make a timeline for my life. I need to really figure things out and what direction I want to go in. I'm not getting any younger. My job is okay, but I can't really picture myself doing this for another 50 years. I need to win the lottery is what I need to do. I think I will work on that this afternoon. Stearing clear of the bouquet.

Crying again

You say you love me, but I know you don't
You say you'll be here forever, but I know you won't
When you look at me you see straight through
I wish I had your love and I wish it were true

Red flags repeat again and again
it is so redundant, its becoming a trend
Pain hurts deep down inside my soul
it is getting hard to hold back, hard to control

I thought with you it would be real
But instead I am punished for how I feel
I wish you loved me for who I am
But I know you don't give a damn

I am a person with feelings and a heart
you do not respect it, that is why I depart
I not just a body, not just someone to fuck
I am someone in love who has ran out of luck

Simple, corny, yet true

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

Okay, I'm really cereal this time...

Okay, I KNOW how I said I am going to keep up with this thing. AND I don't. I'm sorry. I'm a liar. No, not really, but good news is I finally got my own laptop. Hallelujah!!! Okay....so time to catch up on the last 2 months. Hope you have a few hours....

Well, lets try and recap...where to start. To start off on a positive note I am FINALLY getting my promotions. As of next week, I will no longer be working for Bob or with Satan...I mean Nikki. Weird, why did my keys automatically type that? hmmm.
I will now be an internal recruiter and find account executives and other recruiters to work within our company. VERY EXCITING. I will have to move upstairs which I am sad about, but I will be working for Mike Starich who is incredibly awesome. He has gone out of his way so much to help me out, which I greatly appreciate. Bob is finally coming to terms with me leaving and I am looking for a replacement next week.

Which brings me to the next topic we finally replaced Holly, the dumb assistant that worked for Steve. Thank Jesus Christo! We hired a new girl named Marah, she fits in the office really well and we all like her a lot. In fact, she came over the other night for Feud & Food. I know, I know, you want to know what its all about. Okay, so, its the game Family Feud and we grilled out. Anyway, I knew I loved Marah when there was question asked: "Name something you apply for." She said welfare and it was on the board!!! Score.

Derek and I are doing ok. We have our days. I really do love him a lot and I hate bitching about him to other people because I don't want others to think bad of him. But it gets so frustrating holding it in. He is very protective of what I do. Example, I am actually on the phone with him right now and he is asking if I am doing anything tomorrow. For those of you who do not know, he works offshore 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. I don't know if he expects me to stay locked in my attic while he is gone or what. Anyway, I am meeting my friend Tyler for dinner tomorrow. Tyler is a GIRL and she was my sorority sister at SFA. He was giving me the 99 questions about her. Anyway, just stuff like that.

Seeing as how this is probably already 5743893280 pages long I am going to end for the night. But do not worry, I have some amazingly funny stories for tomorrow's installment like Operations Sweet Tooth and Nutella.

Good night to all and to all a good night.

And again...

And here I am again. Today I have decided I have seriously given up on love. I am never going to know the joy of being a wife or having children. It is the most depressing thing for me, because now really, what do I have to live for? To just work and be by myself for the rest of my life? I regret so much not doing things I've wanted to do. I should have stayed in NYC. I was so lonely while I was there, but I am going to be lonely anyway, so why not. Maybe I will move back once my lease is up. I should have spent more time with family and friends. And to my family and friends I apologize...if I have ever blown you off I am so sorry.

Too many times I have been lied to, walked on, and taken advantage of. I am so sick and so, so very tired. Everything I have ever wanted came crashing down in a matter of minutes and now I am going to be alone. Forever. It sucks, it really does, but its far less painful than being lied to. No wonder I'm going to die young, God knows I have nothing to live for in the first place.

Valentine's Shmalentines

Okay, I already know what you are going to say..."you are an ugly, fat, single, depressed, bitter girl." While the ugly and fat part may be true, I am not single, not depressed, okay...maybe a little bitter. Valentine's Day is such a crock. Guys hate it. Really, they do. Its just one more day when they have to shell out a lot of money so their significant other will keep giving up the goods. Think about it. When a girl does something for a guy for on Valentine's day they put thought and effort into it. Not guys. Guys go into the mini mart an hour...hell..5 minutes before they see the girl and get the last card they can find. You know the ones that read, "Sorry I missed your Bar Mitzvah, but Happy Valentine's Day!" Then they scribble some "I love you, you are my world" shit into it. And this is done if they even remember Valentine's day.

I know when a guy has then sense to ask what you want for Valentine's day a lot of us girls reply with a coy "Oh...nothing." Yeah right. I'll be the first to admit, I say that, but I don't mean it. And I know, I know. Girls are hard to read. But when you actually make effort even though you are thinking she doesn't care, it really is the best thing you can do. If you don't love her, don't lead her on to think you do. If you do love her, let her know. Most of all, more than telling her, show her. Make it known, you remembered and that she is special to you.

Making an effort in 2008.

And once again, I have taken a 3 month break from writing. I'm so bad about writing consistently on this thing. Well, a LOT has happened since I last wrote. For one, I'm in a relationship now. The Derek guy that I had just hung out with in the last entry is now my boyfriend. So weird to say, its the first serious relationship I have had in over 2 years. To be honest, sometimes I miss being single. Not because I want to date another guy or anything, its just weird to have to fit your plans around someone else. I adore Derek, he is so funny and we have a great time together, but I already have serious trust issues with him. Had I written more often I could tell you all about it, but it would take me so long to write about it at this point, so I'll skip the details and just say he has jumped on the lie train a few times. But as nice as I am I give him the benefit of a doubt and try to fix it. He pissed on my leg last weekend. Literally, he was drunk and woke up thinking he was in the bathroom, in my attempt to stop him from urinating, he when on my leg. I would like to think I am an exceptional girlfriend. I go out of my way a lot for someone I like, including ditching family and friends. Which in my past I have learned is not a good thing to do and I regret it greatly, but I still do it. We have already had issues like him telling me I can't talk to certain friends anymore, which leads me to believe in his opinion he can't just be friends with a girl. In that case, I'm a little suspicious of a few of his relationships with female friends. I am also very forgiving when it comes to things and I do not get pissed easily. Even when I am upset, I am very calm about it, yelling will get you know where. I like Derek a lot, hell, I love the guy, but I feel like I go out of my way and put in way more effort than he does which sucks. I feel like one day I am going to make a really good wife and mother. But I feel like I may never have the opportunity to do so. As I have aged I have tried to stand my ground a little more and not be such a push over. I honestly think I will never find someone who is going to give me all that I deserve in return. The sad part is, I am completely content with that. Who needs kids of their own? For one I have the most adorable nieces and nephews whom I love very, very much and they love their "Nana" so much in return. I have always heard that you love your kids more than anything, but that is so hard for me to imagine since I love these children so much. Secondly, I am so independent that I do not need anyone to take care of me. Its sad to imagine myself 50 and still single, but I think with relationships comes so much sadness and let downs that in the end, being lonely is worth it. Maybe some luck will come in 08.