NYC?

I lost my job this month. Which no one wants to lose their job...at the same time, this opens up a WHOLE new world of opportunities. This now means I have nothing tying me to Texas. Of course, my family is here, but I hardly get to see them anyway. It takes me 5 hours to drive home and it takes me 5 hours to fly home from NYC. So, essentially, I'd be just as close as far as time is concerned. I have my little Cooper, but I can take him with me. Derek is here, but he might as well not be. Our relationship has been without a pulse for a while now.

My friend Lindsay (and ex roommate - which I need to add, best roommate ever in there...) love NYC and I think she is pretty serious about the move as well. I just wish I could get things in order and get moved. The sooner the better. I need a clean break. I'm only young once, I only have one life, and I want to make the most of it. I have always been the type to follow my dreams and not give up. I don't want to give up on this. I've been given up on too much.

Catching up.............

AGAIN We are catching up. I'm not even sure the last time that I wrote. So...what is new. Well for starters I got a puppy on Saturday. He is a maltese and I named him Cooper. He is the most precious thing ever. Derek and I went and got him on Valentines day after a month of hint dropping and making lists of phone numbers. I am very fond of him right now, especially since he is the only one in the house that pays attention to me.

Derek and I moved in together last month. MISTAKE. Things are so different with us now. I'm not sure when the last time he hugged me or kissed me was. It gets lonely. A lot of times I think he'd be happier with out me and I should just leave. It is really like he could care less if I'm there. As long as he has his xbox he is fine. But then again, if I am gone, that means a messy house and no clean clothes.

We got in a fight after he had back surgery and it is almost like he hates me now. His mom stole his pain medication the day after his surgery. SERIOUSLY, what kind of a mother does that? Your son just had MAJOR surgery and is in pain and you steal medication from him. What the fuck?! Rather than be mad at her he has showered her with "Its okay" and "Don't worry about it" and "I love you." And due to his pain and lack of pain killers he took all his frustration out on me. Really?! If you want someone to bitch at, why don't you call your theiving, drug addicted mother and gripe her out.

I feel like I complain a lot too and it upsets me. I know I have a lot of bad things going on right now, but at the same time it could be way worse. I especially think about that when I think of my sister. Which if I haven't talked about that yet, I'll get into it. I could have some awful disease, I could be homeless, I could be disabled. There are a lot of things that could be worse. It is just hard to think about that when you are sad.

Tattoos and Body Piercings...and what?!

I decided today I am going to tell Derek I don't want to move in with him anymore. We were considering buying a house together in February, but it is way too much of a risk for me. Its been almost 10 months and our relationship is still rocky. Today I found out he has a match.com account. Wow, wasn't expecting that one. The biggest shock was seeing the girls he had as his "favorites." Complete opposite of me. Apparently he is into body piercings, tattoos, and erotica. That is what his profile says and all the girls looked dirty, covered in tattoos...a wee bit gothic if you will. Complete opposite of everything I am.

I used to get real down and depressed about the way I've been treated by guys in the past and even the things I've let Derek get away with now. But today I thought, maybe it is because I settle for less. Maybe it isn't that I am a girl that deserves to be treated like shit, but maybe I've only dated pieces of shit. I think I sell myself short. Sure, I'm no super model, I don't have a nobel prize, I come from an average family who drives fords. But I have a good heart, I care about people, I would do anything for those who I love. I'm would like to think I'm pretty smart, I'm a hard worker, I make sacrifices when need be. I'm not the kind of girl that is gonna run up the credit cards on stupid things, I take care of people, I clean, I cook, I do my best effort to satisfy him. I would never cross someone, break their heart, or worse. I am there when people need me.

I went out with my friend Melissa on Friday night and she said something that probably wasn't the biggest deal to her, but it meant a lot to me. She started telling a story about when she was in high school and went to a party an hour and a half away from our hometown with a friend. When she got up the next morning, her best friend had left her....there - in a strangers' house. Melissa called her friend only to be told "too bad, I had to go to work." Melissa said, she didn't even bother to wake me up or anything she just left me. And I called all my closest friends and no one would come get me....and then I called you, and you were there. I felt so grateful and lucky to have a friend like you that would be there when I really needed them. And then I thought, she is right...not many people go out of their way like I do. Not many people get trampled on over and over and still go out of their way.

Then I started to think even deeper. All night long we were getting hit on. Constantly, guy after guy asking to buy our drinks, asking to take me to dinner. Everytime I said, no I'm sorry, I'm married. Which I'm not, but I purchased a fake wedding ring to wear on occassions like this, it is usually a pretty good repelent. Yes, correct, I don't have a real ring, so I had to buy my own fake one. Anywho, I thought to myself this morning after seeing Derek's account....what would he do? Would he say, "Sorry, I have the best girlfriend in the world and she means everything to me..." (because he doesn't hesitate to tell me I am the world to him, but does he let others know how he feels...) or would he ask her to write down her number? I mean I really wonder... And obviously it wouldn't take a beauty queen to get the job done...he would probably bang whatever...I obviously found out he doesn't have much taste in women after scrolling through his favorites. Makes me feel better though, I don't feel near as fat as I used to.

Anyway, I guess I should probably start apartment hunting. That or see if the girls want to continue in our current house for a few more months. I was stupid to think moving in would be a good idea...I barely know the guy.

Sniff Sniff

Can you smell that? Wedding season. I have been to more weddings this summer alone than every wedding I've been to in my entire life combined. Everyone is getting hitched or engaged. Even the people I thought never had a shot at finding someone to marry, they are getting married. Kinda depressing really, being like 1 of the 4 single people in my entire graduating class. Oh well.

I went to a bachelorette party last weekend. Out of 13 girls I was the only one not married. Which I can't complain, I never intended on getting married anyway. The weird part is, the married women are the ones who are up grinding on 21 year olds and letting rich 50 year old men buy their drinks and cuddle up on them. How is it that I am the single one and I am the one sitting by myself at the table acting like I'm married. There isn't a ring on my finger and probably won't be for a good while, if at all.

I decided today I need to make a timeline for my life. I need to really figure things out and what direction I want to go in. I'm not getting any younger. My job is okay, but I can't really picture myself doing this for another 50 years. I need to win the lottery is what I need to do. I think I will work on that this afternoon. Stearing clear of the bouquet.

Crying again

You say you love me, but I know you don't
You say you'll be here forever, but I know you won't
When you look at me you see straight through
I wish I had your love and I wish it were true

Red flags repeat again and again
it is so redundant, its becoming a trend
Pain hurts deep down inside my soul
it is getting hard to hold back, hard to control

I thought with you it would be real
But instead I am punished for how I feel
I wish you loved me for who I am
But I know you don't give a damn

I am a person with feelings and a heart
you do not respect it, that is why I depart
I not just a body, not just someone to fuck
I am someone in love who has ran out of luck

Simple, corny, yet true

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

Okay, I'm really cereal this time...

Okay, I KNOW how I said I am going to keep up with this thing. AND I don't. I'm sorry. I'm a liar. No, not really, but good news is I finally got my own laptop. Hallelujah!!! Okay....so time to catch up on the last 2 months. Hope you have a few hours....

Well, lets try and recap...where to start. To start off on a positive note I am FINALLY getting my promotions. As of next week, I will no longer be working for Bob or with Satan...I mean Nikki. Weird, why did my keys automatically type that? hmmm.
I will now be an internal recruiter and find account executives and other recruiters to work within our company. VERY EXCITING. I will have to move upstairs which I am sad about, but I will be working for Mike Starich who is incredibly awesome. He has gone out of his way so much to help me out, which I greatly appreciate. Bob is finally coming to terms with me leaving and I am looking for a replacement next week.

Which brings me to the next topic we finally replaced Holly, the dumb assistant that worked for Steve. Thank Jesus Christo! We hired a new girl named Marah, she fits in the office really well and we all like her a lot. In fact, she came over the other night for Feud & Food. I know, I know, you want to know what its all about. Okay, so, its the game Family Feud and we grilled out. Anyway, I knew I loved Marah when there was question asked: "Name something you apply for." She said welfare and it was on the board!!! Score.

Derek and I are doing ok. We have our days. I really do love him a lot and I hate bitching about him to other people because I don't want others to think bad of him. But it gets so frustrating holding it in. He is very protective of what I do. Example, I am actually on the phone with him right now and he is asking if I am doing anything tomorrow. For those of you who do not know, he works offshore 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. I don't know if he expects me to stay locked in my attic while he is gone or what. Anyway, I am meeting my friend Tyler for dinner tomorrow. Tyler is a GIRL and she was my sorority sister at SFA. He was giving me the 99 questions about her. Anyway, just stuff like that.

Seeing as how this is probably already 5743893280 pages long I am going to end for the night. But do not worry, I have some amazingly funny stories for tomorrow's installment like Operations Sweet Tooth and Nutella.

Good night to all and to all a good night.