Tattoos and Body Piercings...and what?!

I decided today I am going to tell Derek I don't want to move in with him anymore. We were considering buying a house together in February, but it is way too much of a risk for me. Its been almost 10 months and our relationship is still rocky. Today I found out he has a match.com account. Wow, wasn't expecting that one. The biggest shock was seeing the girls he had as his "favorites." Complete opposite of me. Apparently he is into body piercings, tattoos, and erotica. That is what his profile says and all the girls looked dirty, covered in tattoos...a wee bit gothic if you will. Complete opposite of everything I am.

I used to get real down and depressed about the way I've been treated by guys in the past and even the things I've let Derek get away with now. But today I thought, maybe it is because I settle for less. Maybe it isn't that I am a girl that deserves to be treated like shit, but maybe I've only dated pieces of shit. I think I sell myself short. Sure, I'm no super model, I don't have a nobel prize, I come from an average family who drives fords. But I have a good heart, I care about people, I would do anything for those who I love. I'm would like to think I'm pretty smart, I'm a hard worker, I make sacrifices when need be. I'm not the kind of girl that is gonna run up the credit cards on stupid things, I take care of people, I clean, I cook, I do my best effort to satisfy him. I would never cross someone, break their heart, or worse. I am there when people need me.

I went out with my friend Melissa on Friday night and she said something that probably wasn't the biggest deal to her, but it meant a lot to me. She started telling a story about when she was in high school and went to a party an hour and a half away from our hometown with a friend. When she got up the next morning, her best friend had left her....there - in a strangers' house. Melissa called her friend only to be told "too bad, I had to go to work." Melissa said, she didn't even bother to wake me up or anything she just left me. And I called all my closest friends and no one would come get me....and then I called you, and you were there. I felt so grateful and lucky to have a friend like you that would be there when I really needed them. And then I thought, she is right...not many people go out of their way like I do. Not many people get trampled on over and over and still go out of their way.

Then I started to think even deeper. All night long we were getting hit on. Constantly, guy after guy asking to buy our drinks, asking to take me to dinner. Everytime I said, no I'm sorry, I'm married. Which I'm not, but I purchased a fake wedding ring to wear on occassions like this, it is usually a pretty good repelent. Yes, correct, I don't have a real ring, so I had to buy my own fake one. Anywho, I thought to myself this morning after seeing Derek's account....what would he do? Would he say, "Sorry, I have the best girlfriend in the world and she means everything to me..." (because he doesn't hesitate to tell me I am the world to him, but does he let others know how he feels...) or would he ask her to write down her number? I mean I really wonder... And obviously it wouldn't take a beauty queen to get the job done...he would probably bang whatever...I obviously found out he doesn't have much taste in women after scrolling through his favorites. Makes me feel better though, I don't feel near as fat as I used to.

Anyway, I guess I should probably start apartment hunting. That or see if the girls want to continue in our current house for a few more months. I was stupid to think moving in would be a good idea...I barely know the guy.

Sniff Sniff

Can you smell that? Wedding season. I have been to more weddings this summer alone than every wedding I've been to in my entire life combined. Everyone is getting hitched or engaged. Even the people I thought never had a shot at finding someone to marry, they are getting married. Kinda depressing really, being like 1 of the 4 single people in my entire graduating class. Oh well.

I went to a bachelorette party last weekend. Out of 13 girls I was the only one not married. Which I can't complain, I never intended on getting married anyway. The weird part is, the married women are the ones who are up grinding on 21 year olds and letting rich 50 year old men buy their drinks and cuddle up on them. How is it that I am the single one and I am the one sitting by myself at the table acting like I'm married. There isn't a ring on my finger and probably won't be for a good while, if at all.

I decided today I need to make a timeline for my life. I need to really figure things out and what direction I want to go in. I'm not getting any younger. My job is okay, but I can't really picture myself doing this for another 50 years. I need to win the lottery is what I need to do. I think I will work on that this afternoon. Stearing clear of the bouquet.

Crying again

You say you love me, but I know you don't
You say you'll be here forever, but I know you won't
When you look at me you see straight through
I wish I had your love and I wish it were true

Red flags repeat again and again
it is so redundant, its becoming a trend
Pain hurts deep down inside my soul
it is getting hard to hold back, hard to control

I thought with you it would be real
But instead I am punished for how I feel
I wish you loved me for who I am
But I know you don't give a damn

I am a person with feelings and a heart
you do not respect it, that is why I depart
I not just a body, not just someone to fuck
I am someone in love who has ran out of luck

Simple, corny, yet true

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

Okay, I'm really cereal this time...

Okay, I KNOW how I said I am going to keep up with this thing. AND I don't. I'm sorry. I'm a liar. No, not really, but good news is I finally got my own laptop. Hallelujah!!! Okay....so time to catch up on the last 2 months. Hope you have a few hours....

Well, lets try and recap...where to start. To start off on a positive note I am FINALLY getting my promotions. As of next week, I will no longer be working for Bob or with Satan...I mean Nikki. Weird, why did my keys automatically type that? hmmm.
I will now be an internal recruiter and find account executives and other recruiters to work within our company. VERY EXCITING. I will have to move upstairs which I am sad about, but I will be working for Mike Starich who is incredibly awesome. He has gone out of his way so much to help me out, which I greatly appreciate. Bob is finally coming to terms with me leaving and I am looking for a replacement next week.

Which brings me to the next topic we finally replaced Holly, the dumb assistant that worked for Steve. Thank Jesus Christo! We hired a new girl named Marah, she fits in the office really well and we all like her a lot. In fact, she came over the other night for Feud & Food. I know, I know, you want to know what its all about. Okay, so, its the game Family Feud and we grilled out. Anyway, I knew I loved Marah when there was question asked: "Name something you apply for." She said welfare and it was on the board!!! Score.

Derek and I are doing ok. We have our days. I really do love him a lot and I hate bitching about him to other people because I don't want others to think bad of him. But it gets so frustrating holding it in. He is very protective of what I do. Example, I am actually on the phone with him right now and he is asking if I am doing anything tomorrow. For those of you who do not know, he works offshore 2 weeks on 2 weeks off. I don't know if he expects me to stay locked in my attic while he is gone or what. Anyway, I am meeting my friend Tyler for dinner tomorrow. Tyler is a GIRL and she was my sorority sister at SFA. He was giving me the 99 questions about her. Anyway, just stuff like that.

Seeing as how this is probably already 5743893280 pages long I am going to end for the night. But do not worry, I have some amazingly funny stories for tomorrow's installment like Operations Sweet Tooth and Nutella.

Good night to all and to all a good night.

And again...

And here I am again. Today I have decided I have seriously given up on love. I am never going to know the joy of being a wife or having children. It is the most depressing thing for me, because now really, what do I have to live for? To just work and be by myself for the rest of my life? I regret so much not doing things I've wanted to do. I should have stayed in NYC. I was so lonely while I was there, but I am going to be lonely anyway, so why not. Maybe I will move back once my lease is up. I should have spent more time with family and friends. And to my family and friends I apologize...if I have ever blown you off I am so sorry.

Too many times I have been lied to, walked on, and taken advantage of. I am so sick and so, so very tired. Everything I have ever wanted came crashing down in a matter of minutes and now I am going to be alone. Forever. It sucks, it really does, but its far less painful than being lied to. No wonder I'm going to die young, God knows I have nothing to live for in the first place.

Valentine's Shmalentines

Okay, I already know what you are going to say..."you are an ugly, fat, single, depressed, bitter girl." While the ugly and fat part may be true, I am not single, not depressed, okay...maybe a little bitter. Valentine's Day is such a crock. Guys hate it. Really, they do. Its just one more day when they have to shell out a lot of money so their significant other will keep giving up the goods. Think about it. When a girl does something for a guy for on Valentine's day they put thought and effort into it. Not guys. Guys go into the mini mart an hour...hell..5 minutes before they see the girl and get the last card they can find. You know the ones that read, "Sorry I missed your Bar Mitzvah, but Happy Valentine's Day!" Then they scribble some "I love you, you are my world" shit into it. And this is done if they even remember Valentine's day.

I know when a guy has then sense to ask what you want for Valentine's day a lot of us girls reply with a coy "Oh...nothing." Yeah right. I'll be the first to admit, I say that, but I don't mean it. And I know, I know. Girls are hard to read. But when you actually make effort even though you are thinking she doesn't care, it really is the best thing you can do. If you don't love her, don't lead her on to think you do. If you do love her, let her know. Most of all, more than telling her, show her. Make it known, you remembered and that she is special to you.